


Regrets

by Anastasia_Green_theanaverse



Series: High Violet [1]
Category: Warehouse 13
Genre: Angst, F/F, Re-upload, Regrets, Sadness, god i'm sorry about the angst, i edited it it sucks less now, lyrical ponderings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-06
Updated: 2015-02-06
Packaged: 2018-03-10 19:21:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 861
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3300728
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anastasia_Green_theanaverse/pseuds/Anastasia_Green_theanaverse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Just after the events of Reset, Myka and H.G. consider their regrets to the same song.</p>
<p>(the song Vanderlyle Crybaby Geeks by The National, the song played at the end of the episode)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Regrets

As Helena awaited her judgement, sat alone in the cold, white room, she thought about a song, one she had discovered after Claudia taught her the wonders of YouTube. One specific song, with an endearingly odd title. Vanderlyle Crybaby Geeks, with its slow, elegant simplicity, and the repeated line:

_All the very best of us/string ourselves up for love_ was stuck in her head.

Upon hearing it, she had been utterly confused. Vanderlyle? Geeks? Using that wonderful thing – Google, she remembered – she had found that other fans of the song also had no idea as to the meaning of Vanderlyle, but geeks was just a commonly used slang term. Finding its definition, she immediately decided it fitting for both her and Myka. She considered using it for Claudia, but decided the almost synonymous term “nerd” was somehow more fitting for someone as young and excitable as her.

Then, the song was just a thing of haunting beauty; to request in the car and ponder what exactly Matt Berninger had been trying to say. Now it seemed to mock her.

_Vanderlyle, cry baby cry/man it’s all been forgiven/swans are a’ swimmin’._

What she had done, the atrocity she had nearly committed in the grip of her madness, would never be forgiven. And as Regent Kosan explained her fate, another line came to mind.

_Leave your home/change your name/live alone/eat your cake._

Well, she supposed that was precisely what the new personality inhabiting her body would be doing. And as she recalled the memories of the woman she loved, and how she’d betrayed her, her heart hurting in a way it hadn’t since Christina’s death, she thought maybe that was okay. Perhaps it was even for the best, else every time she closed her eyes, the image of Myka’s face as she realised her lover’s deception would haunt her. The feeling of the cold trigger under her finger as she nearly pressed it would forever linger on her hands. The taste of Myka’s kiss, and the reminder of the depth of her betrayal it brought, would never leave her mouth. The sound of an album would forever bring back memories of lazy nights with the woman she loved above any other.

_I’ll explain everything to the geeks._

*

As Myka drove away from the Warehouse – her happiest place on earth, she’d written in the letter she knew would never be enough – she turned on the cd player, rather than focusing on the small dot of blue in the wing mirror, the one she knew was Pete. Even though it was cowardly, because Pete deserved a look back, deserved far more than a few lines in a rushed letter, she needed to not crash this car because she was crying, and she couldn’t do that if she thought about him. Her partner, her best friend, brother, and how she was leaving him.

_Leave your home/change your name_

Oh no. Vanderlyle Crybaby Geeks was one of Helena’s favourites. After stumbling across it on YouTube, she’d become fond of the band, and had often requested they be played in the car. Myka, more in love than she’d ever been, had of course acquiesced. The album had soundtracked many of their lazy evenings, curled together, reading or talking or making love. Helena had loved it so, and it had begun to hold a special place in Myka’s heart.

_All the very best of us/string ourselves up for love_

Yes, they did. She certainly had, had very nearly strung the entire human race up because she’d been too blinded by love to listen to anyone. She couldn’t stay, couldn’t trust herself not to make the same mistakes again. What she’d said to Mrs Frederic was true, just not the whole truth. Myka would second-guess herself into oblivion, but more than that, every inch of the warehouse, and the B+B, in fact all of Univille, would remind her of Helena, and her betrayal. So she would leave. She would go to her parents, and accept their concern and their comfort, and decide where to go from there.

_Vanderlyle, cry baby cry/man it’s all been forgiven/swans are a’ swimmin’._

Myka didn’t need to ask herself whether or not she could ever forgive Helena. In her heart of hearts, she already had. Love and grief and anger were a potent cocktail, and she knew they could make people do crazy things. The things she’d considered doing, very nearly done after Sam’s death had taught her that. Heaven only knew how angry she'd been just today, fuck, she’d been furious enough to kill Helena when she awoke. She also knew that their love had not been a lie, or else Helena would have pulled that trigger without a second thought. That she hadn’t, that over a century of planning had come to nothing because she couldn’t bring herself to kill Myka, proved that. It • _proved_ that. And while knowing that didn’t make it hurt less, it didn't ease the burden of her guilt by one ounce, it just gave her just enough strength to shoulder it.

_I’ll explain everything to the geeks._

**Author's Note:**

> Much like Helena, I really love this song, and indeed the album, and it got me thinking, and that lead to this. I recommend the band to anyone.
> 
> I have a vague idea for a sequel, but it will be much more hopeful than this, meaning I need to find my happy place, so it could take a while.
> 
> P.S. I kinda wanted it to seem as if Myka was really deep in thought, then tuning back in at specific lines (hence the missing of lots of lines), but I don't know how successful that was.


End file.
